Ten Years

I really wanted to sleep in this morning. That didn’t happen. I woke at 6 am. I am reminded of a book I became aware of and purchased a few years ago – The Body Keeps the Score. I didn’t read much of it because the title told me all I needed to know. Not really, but it certainly explains things like waking at 6 am on this day.

Ten years ago, at 6:30 am, my middle son was in a car accident that took his earthly life. I have given up on trying not to “re-live” my thoughts on this day and at this time. It certainly isn’t as difficult as it once was to listen to the thoughts, acknowledge them, allow the emotion to come and then carry on. But it is still a very real thing. I’ve often thought that living with one of my children dying is similar to living with all the thoughts and emotions that come along with bringing one of my children into this world. But that is a story for another time.

Today I sit here with my thoughts, watching the clock as it ticks toward his pronounced time of death – 7:55 am. It’s like approaching my due date when I was carrying him in my body. He was 45 minutes shy of being 3 weeks late. I was expecting him to be late as both of my previous pregnancies were 2 weeks late. But 3 weeks late was pushing my tolerance a bit. He was worth the wait, though.

What a different waiting this is. It’s actually not “waiting” at all. Rather, remembering; reliving; acknowledging; honoring. As much as some believe I should move on and live my life, this……this day when one of my children left this earth and went home to heaven to be with his Heavenly Father is sacred to me. Just like his birth was sacred to me; his death is sacred to me.

God entrusted a precious – indeed, the most precious – thing to my husband and I to raise up to adulthood here on the earth. There is nothing so sacred as that. His death is a significant part of that mandate. A part I remember and honor on this day, just like I remembered and honored him on his birthday every year of his life before he passed.

I just realized, as I glanced again at the clock – 7:38 am – that blogging on this day, at this time, helps me not relive those moments. I’m a little slow sometimes:)

I awake, almost every morning, with a song in my heart. The song this morning? “There’s joy in the house of the Lord. There’s joy in the house of the Lord this day. And we won’t be quiet. We’ll shout out His praise.”

7:54 am.

I’m watching the squirrels outside my office window scurrying around through the rails of the roller-coaster my husband built for our grandchildren (and all of us!). Yes, we have a roller-coaster in our yard. It is quite fun. Our son would have loved it.

7:55 am.

He has left this earth for his heavenly home.

2nd Samuel 12:23 – “He (King David) answered, ‘While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, ‘Who knows? The Lord may be gracious to me and let the child live.’ But now that he is dead, why should I go on fasting? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me.”

“During the days of Jesus’ life on earth, He offered up prayers and petitions with fervent cries and tears to the One who could save Him from death, and He was heard because of His reverent submission. Son though he was, He learned obedience from what He suffered and, once made perfect, He became the source of eternal salvation for all who obey Him and was designated by God to be high priest in the order of Milchizedek.” Hebrews 5:7-10

Thank you, Jesus, for enduring what You did. It is why I have the assurance that You have my son and that, though he will not return to me, I will go to him.

“I will lift up my eyes to the mountains – where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.” Psalm 121:1-2