A Piece of My Heart

I write the most amazing sounding blog posts at night when I’m in bed and just about asleep:) Sometimes I realize that I’m “writing” and I ask God to help me remember it in the morning so I can actually write about it…..because I’m too lazy and sleepy to get up and write it down at the time. Usually, though, it is just my thoughts working themselves out to help me have peace enough to go to sleep.

When I am “writing” these amazing sounding blogs, I almost always “see” them in word pictures. That is usually how I process things. And when I say “word pictures”, I don’t mean I imagine a word picture to help me process. I mean I “see” things in word pictures. It is like a movie playing out in my mind and I am just an observing by-stander. It is rather fascinating.

We are rapidly approaching the 10th anniversary of our middle son rushing off to heaven ahead of the rest of our family, and it is stirring up emotions. It’s been quite awhile since I’ve heard my inner voice scream “why?”. But that has happened again recently. Of course, I’m much more healed than I was 10 (or even 2 or 3) years ago and can quickly answer that question with sincere and honest faith. But it is interesting to me that things like anniversaries bring such dead-end and hopeless-feeling questions back to the surface. I don’t think these disconcerting feelings ever actually leave; they do, though, provide an opening in my heart to re-examine my beliefs, to re-commit to my faith, and also to sit for a few minutes and let the feelings wash over me, which brings a measure of healing in itself. God brings healing….and especially when I am honest and vulnerable with Him. “Behold, you desire truth in the innermost being. And in the hidden part (of my heart) You will make me know wisdom.” Psalm 51:6

As I was lying in bed trying to go to sleep a few nights ago, I saw a pink heart, outlined in black and with many out-lined in black square-like shapes drawn on it, floating just outside my body. I immediately knew it was my heart. As I was looking at this floating heart of mine, I saw a piece of it float away from the heart and hover a few feet from it. I didn’t have time to think much of this in that moment, because I was instantly in the airport the last time we picked up our son, as he was coming home for good from his 4 years of service in the Navy in Japan. I could feel my feet on the cold concrete floor of the terminal. I could see my husband standing a few feet from me, leaning against the floor-to-ceiling window looking out on the tarmac we knew he would be coming in on. Across the walkway from me, I could see our daughters sitting on a bench, our oldest holding her very sleepy 3-year-old. (Our son’s plane came in around midnight.) I knew our other 2 sons were somewhere near, but I didn’t see them.

I remember feeling like my feet were on the soil of our homeland and very soon the feet of my son, whose feet had been on a different continent for the past 14 months (since he had been home last), would also be back on the soil of our homeland. A piece of my heart floating around near the rest of my heart was an apt description of how it felt the entire 4 years he was away. As I lay half-asleep, watching these memories play out in my mind while also seeing my heart floating around, waiting for that one piece to come home, was quite surreal.

I turned toward the doorway and saw my son walking up the loading bridge toward us with the most awesome grin spreading across his face as he saw us all anxiously awaiting him. Then I heard, more than I saw, that piece of my heart click back into place. It was a jolting sound and caused me to come fully awake, breathless and awash in emotion. Oh, what a beautiful moment that was, and what a riveting vision to see as it replayed in my mind alongside my floating heart.

As I shared this experience with my best friend and fellow parent of our family, my husband, we both held our breaths, then looked at each other and said, “What now?” Indeed.

What now?

What carries us through, not just 14 months until we see our middle son again, but the rest of our earthly lives?

The answer is quite simple, and may sound a bit cliched, but it is my answer.

Jesus.

A few very meaningful and very healing times over the past 10 years, the Lord has tenderly and lovingly reminded me that He knows how I feel. He has experienced what I have experienced. I know it is not the same. My son died in a car accident. God’s Son died after being nailed to a tree by His hands and feet. He died an excruciating death.

But the main difference in my son’s (and everyone’s) death and Jesus’ death is that Jesus chose to die. And He chose it so I (and everyone who believes in Him) can have eternal life…in heaven….with our other believing loved ones. My son believed in Jesus. And that brings me great hope. It sustains my heart when I want to give up because of this great loss. And it is a great loss.

Jesus leaving heaven to come to earth and live in human flesh that He created, knowing He was here to redeem humanity to His Father by laying down His earthly life (after laying aside His glorious eternal life in heaven), is something we can hardly even grasp. But He did it because He loves us all so much. He wants us to be with Him for eternity. And all He asks of us in exchange for this amazing gift is that we believe He died for us, receive His gift of salvation by believing it, and loving Him with all our heart, soul, mind and strength. That’s all:)

God chose to give His only begotten Son. I would never, not in a million years or for a million dollars, choose to have one of my children die. But because of God’s great love for all of us, He chose to give His Son as a ransom for us. What love. What amazing love.

As I was drifting off to sleep last night, thinking about this blog post, I was reminded of a song from the early 80’s that spoke deeply to my heart in my beginning years of walking with the Lord. The Lord used it as one of the vehicles to teach me that I could and should be completely honest and transparent with Him. He would always love me and accept me, no matter what I said or did that might be in opposition to His ways, as long as I came to Him with it in truth.

I think you’ll see why I thought of this old song as you read the lyrics below.

Thank you for allowing me to share my heart with you today. Grace, peace and love to you all.

The Secret Place by Steve and Annie Chapman

My heart is like a house
One day I let the Savior in
And there are many rooms
Where we would visit now and then
But then one day He saw that door
I knew the day had come too soon
I said, ‘Jesus, I’m not ready
for us to visit in that room.

“Cause that’s a place in my heart
Where even I don’t go
I have some things hidden there
I don’t want no one to know
But He handed me the key
With tears of love on His face
He said “I want to make you clean
Let me go in your secret place.”

So, I opened up the door
And as the two of us walked in
I was so ashamed
His light revealed my hidden sin
But when I think about that room now
I’m not afraid anymore
Cause I know my hidden sin
No longer hides behind that door

That was a place in my heart
Where even I wouldn’t go
I had some things hidden there
I didn’t want no one to know
But He handed me the key
With tears of love on his face
He made me clean
I let Him in my secret place