A few years back – and I can’t believe it’s been years since we lost our Izzy – I visited my husband on a particularly hard day, crying as I came through the door of the house he was working on, seeking his comfort. I left a few minutes later, not feeling any better, but knowing there was nothing he could do in that moment to help me. As I got in my car to head to the cemetery to visit our son’s grave, I heard my own voice say (in my mind), “Good bye, son“. I was taken aback, and sat silently in my car, waiting to hear what else was going on inside me that I was unaware of. But that was all. A short, simple, bittersweet salutation to a son I will never see again this side of eternity.
That moment is one I’ve never forgotten and have pondered many times, knowing, as the years have passed, that it was a beginning for me, not an ending, as I perceived it that day. It was the beginning of me telling him “good-bye” some 5 or 6 months after he had passed away.
This process of telling my middle child “good-bye” has gone on since that day in my car. I’ve resisted it, denied it needed to happen, fought it with all my inner strength, been broken by it more than a few times, but rarely given in to it and allowed it to take root in my heart, because I don’t want this.
I DON’T WANT THIS.
I want my life to be what it was, with all five of my children here with me – here on earth living life to the fullest, enjoying each other’s company when we can. I hate what happened five-and-a-half years ago.
I HATE IT.
I hate this cliche’, as well, but sometimes it is appropriate – It is what it is. And there is nothing – not a single thing – I can do about it.
So, I grieve when I feel like it, ignoring the condemning voices that pop into my head when I do, and I live my life to the fullest extent I can. God has blessed me with an amazing life. He has taken one of the most amazing people in my life back home to be with Him.* But I still enjoy so much; I still feel so incredibly blessed, and am thankful to God every day.
(*I believe this because of scripture verses in Job and Ecclesiastes: Job 1:21, “The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away, Blessed be the name of the Lord.” and Ecclesiastes 12:7, “….then the dust will return to the earth as it was, and the spirit will return to God who gave it.“)
As life continues to move on after our tragedy, I’ve found, as I always have in my walk with God, that music brings me comfort and helps me continue to walk this road toward eternity. Such has been the case recently, with two songs in particular helping me lift my eyes to the Lord and off of my sometimes grievous thoughts and remember the hope within me – “Christ in me, the hope of glory”. This hope was in my son, as well. And that assures me I will see him again.
I share the lyrics to these two songs with you today, and encourage you to give them a listen when you can.
I try to hold on to this world with everything I have
But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that tries to grab
The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth,
that we will enter in this rest with wonders anew
But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering
There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we’ll hold on to You always
I know the journey seems so long
You feel you’re walking on your own
But there has never been a step
Where you’ve walked out all alone
There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we’ll hold on to You always
Troubled soul don’t lose your heart
Cause joy and peace he brings
And the beauty that’s in store
Outweighs the hurt of life’s sting
I can’t wait until that day where the very one I’ve lived for always will wipe away the sorrow that I’ve faced
To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame and misery this is why this is why I sing
There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we’ll hold on to You always
There Was Jesus
By Dolly Parton and Zach Williams
Every time I tried to make it on my own
Every time I tried to stand and start to fall
And all those lonely roads that I have traveled on
There was Jesus
When this life I built came crashing to the ground
When the friends I had were nowhere to be found
I couldn’t see it then but I can see it now
There was Jesus
In the waiting, in the searching
In the healing and the hurting
Like a blessing buried in the broken pieces
Every minute, every moment
Where I’ve been and where I’m going
Even when I didn’t know it or couldn’t see it
There was Jesus
For this man (woman) who needs amazing kind of grace
For forgiveness at a price I couldn’t pay
I’m not perfect so I thank God every day
There was Jesus
That’s really all that matters.
Jesus, by and through His Holy Spirit, is always, always, always with us.
Everywhere, all the time, and in every circumstance.
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