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No Rhyme or Reason

Last year on Mother’s Day our youngest daughter graduated college, so the day was unbelievably happy and celebratory.  Funny thing, I just remembered we went to On the Border for some Mexican food that day, which is where we ate today, this year’s Mother’s Day.

This year is not so happy or celebratory.

This year, I’ve cried until my head hurts and my eyes burn.

This year it feels like I have a gaping, oozing wound in my heart, in the place a beloved son used to fill.

I miss him.

Even as I say that, though, I feel the emptiness of that word.

I miss my grandma who died some 35 years ago.

I miss my parents and my children, if I haven’t seen them for awhile.

I even sometimes miss my husband when he is sitting beside me on the couch watching TV.  He is at work in his mind, and it makes me miss him.

But to say I miss my son who left us for his eternal home four and a half years ago sounds so………..remiss.

I ache and long for him.

My heart breaks for the pain and suffering, however brief, he endured the morning of his accident.

I feel as though I should have, could have, would have done something – anything – to prevent what happened that awful morning that forever changed me, my husband and our family.

There’s no rhyme or reason to when these unbearable moments, hours or days come and go.  They just do.

I cried some yesterday.

I’ve cried a lot today.

I laughed with my hubby a little while ago, then broke down in tears, sobbing, “I’m so sad.”

“It is just so sad, sweetie”, he replied.

We held each other.

Wiped our eyes.

Got up and continued on.

I hear Lauren Daigle’s song in my mind.

I’ll continue to look up.

Look Up Child

Where are You now
When darkness seems to win?
Where are You now
When the world is crumbling?
Oh I, I-I-I, I hear You say
I hear You say
Look up child, ayy
Look up child, ayy
Where are You now (where are You?)
When all I feel is doubt?
Oh, where are You now
When I can’t figure it out?
Oh I, I-I-I, I hear You say
I hear You say
Look up child, ayy
Look up child, ayy
Look up child, ayy
Look up child, ayy
Look up
You’re not threatened by the war
You’re not shaken by the storm
I know You’re in control
Even in our suffering
Even when it can’t be seen
I know You’re in control
Oh I, I-I-I, I hear You say
I hear You say
Look up child, ayy
Look up child, ayy
Look up child, oh-oh-oooh
I hear You say, You say, You say
Look up child, ayy
I hear
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