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Fighting the Waves

“For in grief nothing “stays put.” One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral?

But if a spiral, am I going up or down it?

How often — will it be for always? — how often will the vast emptiness astonish me like a complete novelty and make me say, “I never realized my loss till this moment”?  The same leg is cut off time after time”.

C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

What a day it’s been.  Up, down, up down, all day long.  I wonder, like C. S. Lewis in the above quote, if this will be for always.  I think it will, to some degree.

Do you want to know what is so frustrating and anger-inducing lately?  I don’t know my middle son anymore.

I absolutely delight in watching all my kiddos grow and change and mature.  I always have.  It is such a fascinating experience to conceive, bear, raise and encourage to grow, another human being; a human being I share DNA with; one who looks, moves and acts like my husband and I, but is completely unique to him or herself.

But my middle son stopped growing and maturing at the age of 25.  He left this earth at the age of 25.  My memories of him will always be as a child, a teen, and a young adult man.  They don’t change anymore.  They are stuck in time, in my mind.

It is a heart-breaking, gut-wrenching fact that is almost unbearable at times.

And the permanent sadness I see etched on my other children’s faces is equally heart-breaking.

We all work at muddling through each day.  In fact, we all work at living our lives in a healthy, happy way.

But the sadness never leaves.  And some days, like today, it weighs me down and makes me want to give up, go to bed, hide my head under the pillows and never get up again.

This is just a hard, exhausting, trying journey.  And days like today make me so weary of it.

So, as this day comes to a close…………….

“I lift up my eyes to the mountains – where does my help come from?  My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.”  Psalm 121:1-2

For “There is no one like the God of Israel.  He rides through the skies to help you.  He rides on the clouds in his majesty.  The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms.”  Deuteronomy 33:26-27

“Because Your love is better than life, my lips will glorify You.  I will praise You as long as I live, and in Your name I will lift up my hands.  I will be fully satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise You.  On my bed I remember You; I think of You through the watches of the night.  Because You are my help, I sing in the shadow of Your wings.  I cling to you; Your right hand upholds me.”  Psalm 63:3-8

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