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Changing Hope

These feelings are almost unbearable sometimes.  As time passes, they seem to get more intense, not less intense.  The intense feelings show up less frequently, but when they do they are more intense.  The anger is ANGER; the sorrow is so deep I feel like I can’t breathe; the lethargy is paralyzing; the depression, numbing.  Grief is an incredibly intense road to travel.  I hate it.  I. HATE. IT.  But, then I remember, when the tears are sliding down my face, that each one is a symbol of the love I had for my son; each tear an outpouring of love with nowhere to go, no one to give it to; the recipient of this outpouring of love gone, never to return to us here on the earth.  Gone.  Like David said in 2 Samuel, “Can I bring him back again?  I will go to him, but he will not return to me.”  This is hard to accept.  My son will not return to me.  Yes, I don’t grieve as those who have no hope.  My hope is that I will go to where I know he is when I die.  But, the daily-ness of living here without him is so hard to accept.

I decided to forgo my diet today and go to lunch with my love; he and our two sons are helping our oldest daughter and her husband move.  I went to our daughter’s house to pick up my honey, and shortly after he arrived, our two sons and son-in-law arrived at our daughter’s house.  My husband quickly informed me that our sons had invited themselves to lunch with us!  Ha!  This is quite typical, because we all thoroughly enjoy being together and usually do eat together when the opportunity presents itself.  Well, today I just wanted to be with my other half.  I was feeling incomplete, which I do quite often since our middle son passed away, and my honey is the only one who makes me feel whole again.  I needed to be with him, alone.  So, I pulled on my hubby’s arm, trying to get him to stop explaining to our sons that their parents sometimes need to be alone for lunch (yes, they are in their 20s!) and come to the car and leave with me, which he eventually did, and we went to our favorite fast food joint – Taco Via.  We were about half way through our lunch when the 3 boys showed up and walked by our table on their way to the front to order, stopping to say a few teasing words about not interrupting our “date”.  They got in line to order and I continued visiting with my hubby, not thinking much about the moment, except how much I adore them and love that they actually like us!  We continued eating and chatting, not paying attention to where they were in line, when something caught my attention.  I glanced over toward the attendant behind the counter and realized it was my youngest son’s voice that caused me to look over there.  He was at the counter ordering.  I watched him for a second, then my eyes slid past him to our oldest son, next in line, and our son-in-law behind him.  What happened next is becoming familiar to me, but still knifes me in the heart every time it happens.  Where is my middle son?  Where is Israel?  Where is he?  Oh, God.  Oh, God.  And, I started to weep – right there in Taco Via.  It took my husband all of about 2 seconds to realize why I was crying…….again.  And, I couldn’t make the tears stop for several minutes.  I tried, because as their mom, even though they are all in their 20’s, I still want to protect them from anything that might hurt them – even my tears.  I know they understand, and there’s no stopping the tears sometimes anyway.

The intensity of the emotion is almost unbearable sometimes.  The loss is unbearable sometimes.  But, interestingly enough, my hope is starting to change.  Or, maybe I’m beginning to accept this tragedy as something I really and truly am going to have to learn to live with.  Because I’ve been noticing that my hope is changing from hoping he will just show up at the door sometime soon and this will have been a horrible nightmare, to I know I will see him again someday, and we will walk those streets of gold together, and we will be together for all of eternity; no more death, no more tears.

“Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them.  They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God.  He will wipe every tear from their eyes.  There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”  Revelation 21:3-4

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