Today is my 54th birthday. I’m missing my middle son. Last year my birthday fell on Father’s Day, and our two oldest sons were going to be racing on Father’s Day, so they made plans to come out on the Saturday before to celebrate our two special days with us.
Izzy worked at a metal fabrication shop when he was still here on earth with us. He enjoyed it and made some pretty amazing things for himself, aside from the things he made for the shop owner. He made Dan a box that he uses to spread concrete on his jobs, and Dan cherishes it. He also made himself an amazing grill that he and Joe loaded up into Joe’s pick-up truck and brought to our house to make dinner for Dan and I and our family for Father’s Day and my birthday last year. Izzy manned the grill while Joe fried onion rings at the table on the back deck. It was a very special day with all our kids and grandkids with us to celebrate. It was the last time I took pictures of all of us together.
Dan and I are both so heart broken over this loss. This year we both feel like, “who cares?”, when it comes to what used to be happy days; days that we thought worthy of celebrating with our kids and grandkids, like my birthday and Father’s Day. Dan told our counselor that he wished the day just wouldn’t come, and that maybe if he pretended it wasn’t coming, it wouldn’t. That’s how I felt about my birthday, and I’m a big proponent of celebrating birthdays! I cried a lot today. I miss him. I know he would’ve called, texted or come to see me. He was usually thoughtful, kind and considerate. I loved that guy so much. I wonder about God’s plans sometimes. Does it make sense to give a mom and dad a child and then snatch him away at 25? I wonder, but I can also rest and trust. It’s certainly not easy, and I’m not consistent with it, but I can. “His ways are not our ways, and His thoughts are not our thoughts.”
The day we celebrated my birthday and Father’s Day last year was a wonderful day. I think it was the first time our boys came up with a plan and executed it without our help! They planned, shopped for, organized and cooked a meal for our entire family, which means, at that time, was 11 people who would be eating “people food” (in other words, not the nursing babies!). I was so humbled by their generosity, and proud of their level of maturity. I was extremely blessed, as I always am, by the presence of my grown children and little grandchildren. I think we might’ve gotten together for one more meal after that day in June and before our middle son passed away, but the day the boys cooked for us and I took the last picture of all of our family together will always feel like the “last one”. It was just that memorable.
Today my precious youngest daughter left me a note on my computer monitor telling me “happy birthday”, my honey texted me on his lunch break to wish me a happy birthday, my oldest son called me while driving to pick up materials for a job, and my oldest daughter called me after work; all of them lavishing love and birthday wishes on me! I am blessed indeed! We are all grieving a great loss, but we are still here, still together, still loving one another, and we are blessed.
Oh, by the way, in case you were counting heads in that previous paragraph – yes, there is still one who hasn’t called his mama! There’s always that one!
My Journey Through 