Purging

I’m just going to be honest with you today.  Not that I’m not honest everyday!  But, today I’m going to speak my feelings without worrying about how it sounds or who it will offend.  This is hard.  Today is so hard.  Yesterday was so hard.  It has been so hard most everyday for the past 5+ months.  A precious, cherished, loved, liked, admired, enjoyed and treasured son of ours was killed.  He’s dead.  I’m trying to hold onto my beliefs that he is not really dead, just his body is dead.  But, it is so hard when time just keeps slogging along and he keeps not coming back.

Dan and I went to a concert last night featuring Bob Seger, the “Old Time Rock ‘N Roll” singer from the 70’s.  We both enjoy his music and thought it might be a fun distraction from the grieving.  It wasn’t.  It makes us both angry to be around people.  “Normal” people are happy.  They seem carefree.  They smile and laugh and joke and be silly and do all kinds of things we don’t presently enjoy.  It makes us angry to be around them.   It makes me angry when I see a motorcyclist out riding on a beautiful day, because I know he would be if he was still here.  Why do they get to ride their motorcycles but my son’s motorcycle is sitting in his brother’s garage?  Why are there no answers to the “why” questions?  I just want to know that his death means something.  Something I can cling to in these horrible grieving days, hours and minutes.  They drag on and on, seemingly with no end in sight.

His birthday is in four days.  He would’ve been 26.  I have cried so much, screamed on the inside, yelled at my husband, cried and begged his forgiveness, been confused and railed at God and begged His forgiveness, been angry at my son for dying and wondered at that, have wanted to tell the whole world to go jump in a lake and wondered at that, and everything else you can think of.  I am fearful when I drive like I’ve never been before.  I’m fearful when my husband and daughter leave for work and school everyday.  I pray for God to protect them, then wonder if that does any good.

I want to have our usual family dinner for his birthday, with everyone over to eat whatever the birthday boy picked out for dinner and dessert.  Instead of thinking about what I’ll be making for his birthday dinner in four days, I’m thinking about singing on the worship team at church tomorrow;  we’ll be singing the song our daughter played at his funeral for him.  No parent should have to write something about their son’s funeral.  That’s just how I feel.  This is so wrong.  No parent should have to have a funeral for their child.  It is so out of order.  Where is God in this?  Is He in this?  I believe the Scriptures.  I believe He will never leave us or forsake us.  But, where is He in this situation?  What is He doing in this situation?  And, how do I live through this?  How do I come out on the other side still a whole person?  Is there another side to this that I will eventually come out on?