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How do I go on?  That is my silent question everyday, all day long.  And, I don’t have an answer.  The answer happens……..everyday.  You just go on.  Time only stands still for us, our family.  But, it doesn’t really stand still, does it?  It keeps on rolling along, week by week, day by day, moment by painful moment.  And, honestly, I still don’t know how to go on.  I don’t know how to let go, even though I was forced to let go four months ago.  Emotionally, I can’t let go.  I can’t let him go to where he already is.  So, in a way, I feel like this is a moot point.  But, I still wrestle with it everyday.  I feel, in fact, like I am wrestling with God everyday.  I know He has made His decision, the facts are staring me in the face every moment of every day.  But, still I wrestle with Him because of the pain it has caused.  I “argue my case before Him” everyday in my heart.  I’m not even conscious that I’m doing it most of the time.  I’m pleading with Him in my heart.  For what, I don’t know.  To let him come back?  That seems ludicrous to me, at this point.  To bring “closure”?  The very word is offensive to me.  You don’t get “closure” from the death of your child.  I was supposed to go first.  I’ve wished several times I had gone on that day in October, and not him.  Why wasn’t it me?  I’ve probably lived two-thirds of my life.  I’ve done what I thought I was supposed to do – married, raised children, seen four grandchildren brought into this world.  Why am I still here, and he is not?  What am I pleading with God about?  This is not a rhetorical question.  It is sincerely something I am trying to figure out.  I get tired of it!  Tired of trying to figure myself out in this grief journey.  It’s too unfamiliar, and frankly I wish it had stayed that way.  I don’t want to be familiar with this depth of pain.  I’m becoming quite familiar with it, but still have no answers to my questions – what am I pleading with God about?  And, Why?  Why am I pleading?  Why did God allow this in our lives?  Why couldn’t I have gone instead?  Why is God so seemingly silent?  How do I find firm footing again?  A friend of mine suggested that this grief seems like waves crashing over us.  I agreed.  The picture in my mind is of myself standing on the sandy shore of the Atlantic ocean, close to the edge of the water.  The tide moves in and the waves come closer and closer until they wash over my feet, and as the water moves back out to sea, the sand where I am standing washes out from under my feet.  If you’ve ever experienced that, you know how disconcerting the feeling is.  What felt like “solid ground” beneath your feet suddenly moves and washes away with the salty water.  After a few shaky seconds, you are again standing on what feels like solid ground, but an inch or so lower than you were moments before.  If you stand there long, this process repeats again and again until the water is up to your knees and you are seemingly much lower than you were when you first came to stand in that spot.  These are the feelings I’ve experienced since October 6th.  They are not my faith.  My faith is still in a good God who loves us with a perfect love that is sometimes incomprehensible to our feeble human minds.  But, I believe.  In fact, through all of these emotions that I’ve experienced over the past four months – deep, deep grief, debilitating anger, frustration, sorrow and depression – the prevailing sense I have from God is “patience”.  He is patiently loving me and walking with me down this road He set me on.

A Time for Everything

There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

    a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
    a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
    a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
    a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
    a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
    a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
    a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

What do workers gain from their toil? 10 I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet[a] no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. 12 I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. 13 That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. 14 I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him.

One comment on “Questions

  1. Bonita says:

    As I read your words, the thought that comes to mind is that death is unnatural. It was never God’s intention for us to experience death or grief when He originally created man. And the death of a child is even more unnatural. Nothing about it is in the original plan of God and nothing about it is even in a natural order of how things are supposed to happen. So, it makes sense that you would have questions and not even know what you’re really wanting from God. Unnatural isn’t something we’re supposed to have to deal with.

    Liked by 1 person

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