(Almost) Full Circle

As I was pondering what to call this blog post I remembered when my oldest child had her first child. Up until the moment our first grandchild was born, I had always wanted another baby. Yes, I was in my mid-40’s. And, yes I had 5 beautiful, healthy children already. But I never stopped wanting another baby until our Miss Ellie (or Ellie Mae, as I called her) was born. I was my daughter’s birth coach, so I was standing right beside her when her first baby was born. In fact, I cut the cord to disconnect my first granddaughter’s body from my firstborn child. I could barely see through the tears streaming down my cheeks to do it, but with the help of an attending nurse, I managed. In that precious moment, I almost audibly heard the circle of life, so to speak, spin around and form a complete circle. I knew my time for bringing children into the world had ended. In fact, it had transferred to my oldest child. It was a life-altering spiritual moment.

Our lives have a few of those life-altering moments, don’t they? The birth of a child. The death of a parent. The death of a child. They change us forever.

Hubby and I took care of our newest grand-baby yesterday. She is our 5th grandchild. Another girl! We now have 4 granddaughters and 1 grandson. What a joy to have a new one in the family again. She is the first new addition since our son passed away 11 years ago, and having her in the family is like a breath of springtime air after a very long winter.

Bear with me, as I am going to jump around a bit. But I will end up with a point, I think!

When I was in the 2nd grade, attending school at Webster Elementary in Webb City, MO, I remember my teacher reading a story aloud to us and coming to a part of the story about a hermit. She stopped reading, looked up at the puzzled faces of her little 2nd graders and proceeded to explain what a hermit is. I remember thinking, “That’s what I want to be when I grow up.”

As a young believer in my early 20’s, I remember vividly an evening service at the small church my new husband and I were members of, where the pastor invited anyone who desired to to share where they were at in their walk with the Lord. A few members took turns standing up and sharing things that I enjoyed hearing, but it also made me begin to get anxious, thinking I was going to be called upon to share next and not wanting to!

As I sat, nervously hoping I wouldn’t be asked to share, a middle-aged woman whom I admired for her strong determination to be herself, stood and responded to the pastor after he quoted a scripture passage from Song of Solomon:

“Awake, O north wind, And come, O south! Blow upon my garden, That its spices may flow out. Let my beloved come to his garden and eat its pleasant fruits.

I have come to my garden, my sister, my spouse; I have gathered my myrrh with my spice; I have eaten my honeycomb with my honey; I have drunk my wine with my milk. (To His Friends) Eat, O friends! Drink, yes, drink deeply, O beloved ones!”

After this passage was read, she boldly spoke, “I prefer to keep my garden to myself. I don’t want anyone to come into my garden and trample my fruit.”

“Wow”, I thought, “That is exactly how I feel!”

I was a rather shy child, comfortable with myself and my own company. I remember my mom telling me that my kindergarten teacher called her in to a meeting about me and asked if I was an only child. She was shocked to find out I was the middle child of 5 children. I lived most of my childhood and teen years as a bit of a loner. I didn’t make friends easily, and didn’t often feel the need to have friends.

My husband and I married young – I was 19 and he was 21. We were very much alike and were each other’s best friends. Still are! We had a couple of friends we enjoyed doing things with, but for the most part we were (and still are) okay with just being together.

When I became a mother at 23, and began homeschooling our oldest child while also caring for a 3 year-old and a nursing 6 month-old, the Lord opened the door of my life to a few girlfriends who were at the same place in life as I was – raising and homeschooling a houseful of rambunctious children and needing a support group. I found, in this little group of women, friends I felt safe with, who were supportive and affirming in a way that helped me to open up and trust. I learned not just trust from these precious ladies, but confidence, wisdom and patience. For most of my adult life I have lived from a place in my heart these relationships helped foster.

Eleven years ago our middle son was killed in a car accident. When I think about the first few years after he died, I realize I thought I could continue being the person I had become as a young adult and continued to grow in throughout my adult years; I could continue being open and trusting, socializing as I had for the previous 35 or so years. And I tried very hard to do that.

I think the death of a child changes a person in ways that are incomprehensible for a long time. That is my experience, anyway. I did my best for the better part of 5 years after our son died to keep being me; the me I had come to know as I was raising and homeschooling 5 children into adulthood. Our youngest child had just turned 20 and was attending our local community college when our middle son lost his life. So we were not quite at the stage of being empty nesters when he died. It took me several more years to realize that everything “normal” that should have been happening in our lives at that time was delayed, emotionally speaking, by the tragedy of losing our son.

I tried.

I tried really to keep being me!

But the me I knew as a child and young adult has resurfaced. It’s probably the real me. A hermit. Someone who is completely comfortable being alone with just me or just me and my best friend…..because we are the same in that way.

Be yourself. Always. (Unless yourself is a really mean and icky person. Then try to be something else:) If you need to stay home to survive, stay home. If you need to socialize to live through whatever life has thrown at you, get out and socialize. Just be yourself. (This is probably me talking to myself. But if it is helpful….I’m glad.)

I haven’t quite come full circle in life, but I’m certainly beginning to round that last curve. And that is okay.

God loves us and cares for us. He is why I’ve made it through the past 11+ years. He has given me all I need to live (2nd Peter 1:3). I am always and forever grateful to Him.

“My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.” 2nd Corinthians 12:9

A final after thought – I can hear someone telling me they think it is unhealthy for me to isolate. I agree. And I do not isolate! I’m simply doing what I do when I write – I’m plumbing the depths of thought that I can’t understand very well, yet. I’ve changed in the past 11 years…a lot. I am still learning to live after tragic loss. Writing brings things into focus a bit more for me.

Thank you for reading my blog.