Happy birthday in heaven, son.
It is such an unfathomable thought that you would have been 36 years old today if you hadn’t run ahead of us to heaven. At your older sister’s birthday dinner last month your baby sister commented that you all were in your 20s when you left us. And up until your older sister’s birthday last month, you all would be in your 30’s now, were you still here with us. But, you, my sweet boy, decided to be 25 forever. In reply to my wondering out loud, a few weeks ago, why I think of you as my baby, your dad said, “Because he is your youngest child, now.” What a thought.
I think you probably know all this, but I’m going to tell you anyway. (If your siblings read this, it will make them cringe from memories of being told so many things so many times!)
Your big sister just turned 40. How that can be is beside me, but she did. She is, as I know you know, an amazing person. Your three nieces are grown and half-grown now. They were 9, 4 and 9 months when you left us; they are 19, 15 and 11 now. Your sister is an awesome wife, homeschooling (yeah, really!) mom, secretary for your big brother (again, yeah, really!!!), youth leader in church, big sister, and friend to many. She is as busy as a bee, like she always was when you all were growing up, but even more so now with 3 young ladies, and all that other stuff, to keep her constantly on the go. To say I am proud of her is a huge understatement, but I don’t have words for how proud I am of her.
Your brother-in-law is one of the most amazing people I know. He is so motivated to succeed. He is a great husband, dad and police officer. He is working toward his master’s in psychology….or something like that. I love him, despite his aversion to my hugs, his love of teasing and his lack of appreciation for my homemade lasagna! He knows what I’m talking about! I know you respected and loved him, son. And he the same for you.
Your big brother is as busy as your big sister with your nephew to raise, his two (yup!) businesses, his over-the-top friendly nature – always doing something for someone – his big ole house here in Gardner (again, yup!), and his new girlfriend, who is a sweet, accomplished, beautiful young woman. I imagine, if you had stayed here with us, you might be living closer to us, too. Maybe you would be married with a child or two, also. A mom can dream!
As I’m writing, so many precious memories are coming back to me. Thinking about your nieces, especially your oldest, I can see you and Joe standing on the deck by the pool, picking Ellie up by her hands and feet, swinging her high enough to make her squeal and tossing her into the pool. She loved that. She loved you two so much.
I don’t know why this one popped into my head, maybe because you guys were so daring and adventurous; maybe because it’s in my memories and I cherish them all. I remember you and Joe and sometimes Tim, always wanting me to take you to the skate park in town. I had to sit there in my big red van, watching you do things that made the hair on my arms stand up. “Why?” was always my question. But I knew why. You were boys (and our girls) who had your dad and mom as your dad and mom! We loved adventure and you all were the same.
And speaking of adventure, your nephew is almost as tall as me! (I can hear you, and everyone else in our family, say “That’s not hard to do!”) He is a beautiful child – literally. Just like you. He has a face that is almost too pretty to be a boy, and he has dish-water blonde hair, like you. His mama and dad are both beautiful, so it’s not surprising. He loves video games, has a sweet, tender heart, and is as ornery as all 3 of you boys were (are:). You would have so much fun with him.
Your younger brother, who moved out 2 days before you left us to be closer to you, is such an impressive young man. He’s our tallest child, and almost the tallest in the family, being just a couple inches shy of being as tall as your 6’4″ dad. I’ll never forget the time you came home on leave from Japan and Tim had grown about a half foot while you were gone, making him as tall as you. You all had been hanging out and goofing around together and you came into the kitchen where I was (as always) and in your soft-spoken, sweet voice, said, “I can’t believe how much Tim grew while I was gone.” The look on your face was priceless. He had always been the “little brother”, but now he looked both you and Joe in the eye!
Tim still works with your dad, but with Dad getting as old as he is:) Tim does quite a bit more than he did when you were here with us. He runs all the machinery – Dad says he’s better at it than he ever was. And he does a lot of the heavy, hard work, making jobs so much easier on Dad. I appreciate his heart for watching out for his dad more than I can say. He still lives in the area you and Joe lived in, which makes him our only child who isn’t here in our hometown near us. He works out a lot, climbs (which brings a sad memory to mind – but I’m busy being positive right now:), still plays video games (but I think almost everyone does these days), and to satisfy his creative bent he’s been making (and selling) cutting boards, which are quite beautiful and functional. Like I said, he’s an impressive young man.
That sad memory I just had was of you asking if I would take you into the sporting goods store we passed on the highway on our way to the house in the city we were remodeling when you were about 6 years old. They had a climbing wall in there and you wanted to give it a try. I told you I would take you in there someday, but I never did. It’s crazy how things like that can make a mom feel guilty…..forever. But I digress.
Your baby sister is, as I’m sure you know, the most amazing young woman! She was in her 2nd year of college when you ran ahead to heaven, but she didn’t let your untimely departure slow her down. The day after we laid you to rest in the cemetery you played at with your siblings and Grandma, she had a meeting with a counselor at her college and she didn’t cancel it. She went to it, accompanied by Dad for moral support. Even if I hadn’t already known, that one simple act of commitment told me who she is. She is a woman of integrity. She is loving, but feisty. Oh, so caring, but won’t let you get away with a moment of discourtesy. She is smarter than any of us, but humble and kind. And she is still the baby of the family! You would enjoy having conversations with her. I can almost hear you two talking around the table at our family dinners….of course it would be after your more talkative siblings got their words out!
She graduated from KU a few years after your leaving with an English Lit degree. And, what amazing thing did she do with that English Lit degree? She became a dispatcher for the Grandview Police Department, because…..what else would you do with an English Lit degree?!?!? After a couple of years there, she was recruited by a captain in the sheriff’s department in our area and went to the Sheriff’s Academy. She graduated from there, worked at the jail for a year then went out on patrol as a Sheriff’s Deputy. She has given me more gray hairs than you and your brothers ever did! That’s probably not true, since you all were good at making me a nervous wreck! But I did a lot of praying when she was out on patrol over night.
After 10 years of our family just trying to learn to live with the humongous hole left in our lives by your running off to heaven before us, we are finally going to grow again. We have been pretty successful at learning to live again, but our family hasn’t grown since you left. Your beautiful little sister (and her handsome young man) are changing that for us, though, and we are over the moon excited about it. She is pregnant and expecting a little girl – another niece – in August. Yes, another August birthday! This will make 5 in August.
Well, I think that about catches you up on all the important life events in our family since we last saw you. You are missed every single day. I’m still so proud to call you my son. You accomplished so much in such a short amount of time, and your dad and I couldn’t be more proud of you….just like we are of all of you. I am so looking forward to the day when I see your beautiful face again, touch your cheeks and watch them redden, dip your head toward my face, hug me and say, “Hi, Mom” again.
I love you so much,
Mom
My Journey Through 