Today is September 1st; the first day, in my mind, of the beginning of fall. Fall (autumn) is, and has always been my favorite season, though since our middle son passed away almost 10 years ago, it is also my most dreaded and hated season. As I write that last line I realize this is how our lives have been since his passing – always living in a juxtaposition of emotions. Everything happy is tinged with a taste of sorrow. Every sorrowful event is borne on a foundation of joy. Such is the life of someone who has endured tragic loss, yet believes, hopes and trusts in God, who redeems all things; even the death of a 25-year-old young man.
Birthdays have always meant a lot to me. When my children were growing up I always tried to do something special for them on their birthdays. Now, as adults, I still make my children whatever meal they request and have the whole family over to share it with them. The only exception to this rule is August! We have four birthdays within two weeks’ time at the end of August, and I cannot make 4 huge meals for almost a dozen people 4 times in two weeks! Well, I suppose I could….but…..no! So, I combine the August birthday dinners into one meal and celebrate them all at once. I always have a bit of sadness whenever we “all” get together, because it is never all of us anymore. Though we never have an empty chair around our dinner table when we get together, the absence of our middle son is still acutely felt by us all. This year, though, I’ve cried more tears than I have in a long time, and it has caused me to do a bit of reflecting, trying to find the meaning (if there is one) behind the profusion of emotion. I finally landed upon the reason for the extra emotion….I think. My youngest child turned 30 this year at the end of August. What a deal! How does this even happen?!?! I can remember, like it was yesterday, our oldest child being born 39 years ago this past February. And, it certainly affected me to have one of my children approaching 40 years of age. But to have my youngest leave her 20’s behind has pretty much slapped me in the face with the reality of how old I am getting to be! Again, how does this happen? (I don’t mean that literally!) I remember, as a child, hearing that time passes faster and faster the older you get, but I don’t think I really believed that. Now, I’m beginning to.
We had 5 children and a son-in-law in their 20’s and 4 grandchildren, aging from 5 months to 9 years old, when our middle son passed away suddenly on a Monday morning in early October almost 10 years ago. Our oldest daughter and her husband and their 3 young girls were doing well, our oldest son was pondering marrying his girlfriend and the mother of our 5-month-old grandson, our youngest son had just moved out of our house to be closer to his brothers and on his own for the first time in his life, and our youngest was working her way through college, while still living at home with us. Our already blessed lives seemed well on their way toward more blessings (meaning more children-in-law and grandchildren), but that hasn’t happened. Every one of us have done our best to keep on living, but it is taking a long time to resume the “normal” projection of family life.
I realized, as I reread the above paragraph and discussed it with Dan and a friend of ours, what has had me so emotional over our youngest turning 30 a couple of days ago. Our children, oldest to youngest, are nine and a half years apart. So, when our youngest enters a decade (like 20), our oldest is still in her 20’s for 6 more months. All our children were in their 20’s when our middle son passed away. This feels like another door closing on the life of our son. We no longer have any children in their 20’s, except the one who will always be 25.
I think I’ve run out of things to ramble about, and as per usual on here, my ramblings are about missing the one who is missing from me. I will close with a couple of scripture passages that have spoken to my heart lately.
“Come, let us return to the Lord. For He has torn us, but He will heal us; He has wounded us, but He will bandage us. He will revive us after two days; He will raise us up on the third day, that we may live before Him. So, let us know, let us press on to know the Lord. His going forth is as certain as the dawn; And He will come to us like the rain, like the spring rain watering the earth.” Hosea 6:1-3
“Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Sovereign Lord is my strength; He makes my feet like the feet of a deer, He enables me to tread on the heights.” Habakkuk 3:17-19
My study Bible’s commentary on this passage says: “Habakkuk has learned the lesson of faith – to trust in God’s providence regardless of circumstances. He declares that even if God should send suffering and loss, he would still rejoice in God his Savior.”
I miss my son.
I am so thankful for the amazing blessings God has poured out on me – my wonderful husband, four amazingly beautiful and talented children, an awesome son-in-law and four beautiful grandchildren.
But most of all, I am so blessed to be called His daughter; a child of the Most High God.
My Journey Through 