This is so, so sad. And, so, so hard. The more time goes by, the easier it gets and the harder it gets. It gets more real, so it gets harder. We are starting to get accustomed to his absence, so in a way it gets easier, though “easier” is not really the right word. Maybe the word I so dread is the more accurate one; I’m beginning to accept that he is not here and not going to come back. But, everything in this mama’s heart still cries out, NO, when I think about accepting his death. The death of one of my most precious gifts from God is unacceptable. It’s as simple as that. But, it’s not simple to my human mind.
A friend recently reminded me of one of my favorite scriptures’ regarding death. One I had forgotten in the face of the reality of death in my family. Psalm 116:15 – “Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His Godly ones.” Pondering that verse led me to immediately think of a portion of another of my favorite scripture verses: we must learn to “extract the precious from the worthless”. Oh. My. What is precious and what is worthless when confronting this great loss? Can I call precious the things God calls precious? Can I reconcile the death of my own son as precious? I’ve always believed that I need to align my thinking with God’s thinking; that if there is a difference in the way I think and what the Bible tells me is how God “thinks”, then I am the one who needs to change my way of thinking, not God. God is perfect, and therefore always righteous, always correct, always holy, always just. Can I align my thinking with God’s actions – whether direct or allowed – in this situation?
A scripture that I have happened upon a few times in the past four months is Job 9:12 – “Were He to snatch away, who could restrain Him? Who could say to Him, ‘What are You doing?’” Who could? Surely He knows what He is doing and why. He surely does. I may not, but He surely does.
The scripture passage I’ve probably quoted more to myself and others in the thirty-plus years I’ve been walking with the Lord is Proverbs 3:5-6, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.” This verse has taken on new meaning and depth for me since Izzy’s passing. It has made me reexamine my faith in God. Do I truly trust in Him and lean not on my own understanding? Can I acknowledge Him in this, the most trying time of my life?
“For I know that the Lord is great
And that our Lord is above all gods.
Whatever the Lord pleases, He does,
In heaven and in earth, in the seas and in all deeps.”